Weird Advice on How to Win Any Argument

Spotted this thread over at DigitalPoint forums and thought most of it was quite amusing.

How to win any argument! :)))


I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

Make things up!

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you’re damned if you’re going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.” Say: “The average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say “You left your soiled underwear in my bath house.”

Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

  • Let me put it this way
  • In terms of
  • Vis-a-vis
  • Per se
  • As it were
  • Qua
  • So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as “Q.E.D.,” “e.g.,” and “i.e.” These are all short for “I speak Latin, and you do not.”

Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:

“Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.”

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: “Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.”

Only a fool would challenge that statement!

Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

  • You’re begging the question.
  • You’re being defensive.
  • Don’t compare apples and oranges.
  • What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means.

Here’s how to use your comebacks:

You say – As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873…
Your opponents says – Lincoln died in 1865.
You say – You’re begging the question.

OR

You say – Liberians, like most Asians…
Your opponents says – Liberia is in Africa.
You say – You’re being defensive.


Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say” or “You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.”

You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons!

Credit to Rumata

12 Replies to “Weird Advice on How to Win Any Argument”

  1. Wow. I thought I was the only one. I have become so apt at the art of argumentation, that out of pride and love, my immediate family has filed a restraining order against me. They know as a matter of public record, they are representing the fact that ANYONE within 1000 feet of myself will surely not out-debate me.

    Yeah im not as good as you, you should definately make a blog where you keep this theme up. Its brilliant!

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  4. You don’t win arguments, you only think you win them cause the other people give up on your ignorance. I know I know, I’m being defensive.

  5. You’re all being defensive. All those comments that I just read also remind me a lot of Adolf Hitler. A lot. So I think that you’re all of you guys are begging the question. I mean seriously, who files a restraining order against their child? So when it comes to comments vis-a-vis individual qua individual, if I may say so, as it is on all other Intre-web sites are overly weak. So to speak, you should all create more complex replies to online subjects of your choice.

  6. There is no question that some people can argue about certain aspects more than others, it just comes with their nature and the environment in which they grew up in. I think it “IS” vulgar however, that people randomly “make up” what they say in arguments just because of 1.) the ignorance involved, or 2.) the stupidity involved.
    The way I see it, get your facts straight and you can never lose, and you don’t have to make up random stupid crap to be accepted. Problem Solved! 🙂

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