News on the next 9/11 – Onion style

The Onion really cracks me up. I guess enough time has passed since 9/11 that they can get away with this very funny tongue-in-cheek article. Here are my favorite excerpts:

In an alarming development with wide-reaching implications for America’s safety, Department of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff and CIA Director Michael Hayden issued a joint report Monday warning that the next 9/11 could in fact occur on a different date.

“While 9/11 has historically always fallen on 9/11, we as Americans need to be prepared for a wide range of dates,” Chertoff said during a White House press conference. “There’s a chance we could all find ourselves living in a post-6/10 world as early as next July. Unless, that is, we’re already living in a pre-2/14 world.”

Hayden also said he was certain that at least one of the world’s 6.7 billion human beings will plot the future 5/24 or 3/17 attacks, and that it will most likely target either the nation’s subways, seaports, landmarks, stadiums, buildings, structures, or other indoor or outdoor areas where large groups of people tend to gather.

Read the entire hilirious article here

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  1. And Americans are actually *paying* these people to protect them? What a joke! More and more, the US Department of Homeland Security seems to be nothing but a fraud; or at least a very bad joke at the Americans’ — and the rest of the world’s — expense.

  2. You do realize that the Onion is a completely satirical and fictional news source, Rob. It was a joke, and not an actual reflection of the US Department of Homelands Security’s capabilities.

  3. Rob might be right Lauren. Do you really trust these people to protect you even though it was a joke? even though it might have the capablitiesto do so.

  4. We don’t exactly have a choice who protects us…

    I mean we do, but id rather waste away playing counterstrike, drinking beer, and having multiple pre maritial sexual relations…

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