This Guy is a Total Jerk Off

In more ways than one!

A judge ordered a California man — convicted for ejaculating into a co-worker’s water bottles — to pay more than $27,000 to his victim.

Superior Court Judge Walter Schwarm said Monday Michael Kevin Lallana, of Fullerton, Calif., must pay restitution for therapy and loss of wages, reports the Orange County Register.

Lallana was sentenced to 180 days behind bars after he was convicted of twice putting semen in his co-worker’s water bottle without her knowledge at a Newport Beach, Calif., financial company last year.

The victim sent the water bottle in for testing because it tasted strange, and the water was found to contain semen.

The jury found Lallana, 32, committed the acts for sexual gratification.

He should be committed to a freak’in hospital!

Golfers on their A Game

I am against performance enhancing drugs, even in golf! Seven people were sent to hospital after eating marijuana-laced brownies at a golf course.

Police said an employee of the golf course brought brownies made with marijuana to work Thursday and shared the batch with co-workers, who didn’t know the brownies were laced.

The golf course was shut down after seven employees were taken to Woodstock General Hospital following complaints of feeling dizzy and disoriented. The employees were treated and released.

A 19-year-old Woodstock man is charged with administering a noxious substance, possession of a controlled substance and breach of probation.

Dirty, Dirty Old Man

This guy is disgusting! Police in Boulder, Colorado, are searching for a man who hid inside a portable toilet at a yoga festival.

A woman went to use the portable toilet Friday and told police she noticed something moving inside the tank when she lifted the lid. She believed there was a person inside the toilet, so she went to get help.

A man who was standing nearby went in to check and he also saw someone inside the tank, seemingly covered by a tarp. He told security, and then heard the door lock from the inside.

“A festival security supervisor waited outside for several minutes and then saw a suspect emerge from the portable toilet,” police said in a release. “The supervisor tried to detain the suspect, but he ran away, covered in feces.”

The suspect was described as about 20 years old, white, very tall, thin and was wearing dark gray sweatpants and no shirt or shoes.

Witnesses told police the suspect had several cuts on his back and legs. The suspect was also wearing leather bracelets on each wrist.

Police believe the suspect may be a transient.

Senior Citizen Uses HIV Status to Rob Bank

A woman robbed a Colorado bank by passing her official HIV status card from a local clinic and a note saying she would infect a teller with AIDS if the clerk didn’t hand over money, police said on Friday.

Jeff Satur, spokesman for the Longmont, Colorado police department, said detectives are searching for a pale woman between the ages of 55 and 75 with a “boney build.”  Although she blacked out her name from the status card the teller did so most of the letter and they are investigating wit the local clinics help.

Satur said a woman, who was wearing a train conductor’s cap and a gray sweat shirt, walked into a Wells Fargo bank inside a Safeway grocery store on Thursday night and handed a note to a teller.

“She indicated she had AIDS and would give it to a teller if she didn’t cooperate,” Satur said.

The woman coughed frequently into a blue bandana during the robbery, and fled with an undisclosed amount of cash, Satur said.

Police and the FBI released still photographs of the robbery and are reviewing additional photographs and surveillance video from the bank’s parking lot to try and identify the suspect.

She is described as about 5-feet 6 inches tall, and weighing between 130 and 150 pounds.

No weapon was displayed during the robbery and no one was injured, police said.

You are a Bad Tweeter!

A Malaysia man has agreed to tweet an apology 100 times over three days after slandering a publishing company on the social media service.

Fahmi Fadzil (@fahmi_fadzil), who describes himself as a performer and writer on his Twitter bio, is doling out the contrite tweets at about one an hour. As of Thursday morning, he was at 25.

The apology, which Fadzil told QMI Agency was the result of “an out-of-court settlement, mutually agreed by both parties,” reads: “I’ve DEFAMED Blu Inc Media & Female Magazine. My tweets on their HR Policies are untrue. I retract those words & hereby apologize.”

The unusual penalty comes as a result of a tweet he wrote in January claiming a friend of his had been treated poorly by her employer, publisher BluInc Media.

As reported by the Associated Press, Fadzil tweeted an apology shortly afterward, but the company’s lawyers sent him a letter and began legal proceedings.

Twitter is increasingly being cited in contentious cases between companies and employees, as Sportsnet host Damian Goddard discovered when he was fired over one of his tweets in May.

Fadzil has more than 4,500 followers and seems to be enjoying his new-found fame, cheerily replying to questions and suggesting curious tweeters do a Google News search on him. He hosts The Fairly Current Show – a Malaysian current affairs program on the web.

According to a tweet he posted Thursday, he expects to post his last apology around 6:45 p.m. Saturday.

Scary Student

A 13-year-old Florida boy is accused of putting a prescription drug into his teacher’s coffee to get back at her for yelling at him.

Police in Osceola County, Fla., say the school resource officer at Discovery Intermediate School was informed Thursday of rumours that a student had attempted to poison a teacher on Monday.

Police interviewed the boy, who they said admitted that he put one of his prescription Clonidine pills into the teacher’s drink because she yelled at him in class.

Clonidine is often used to treat high blood pressure. It decreases the body’s heart rate and relaxes the blood vessels so blood can flow more easily through the body.

The boy told police he takes the drug to go to sleep.

On Monday, the teacher went home sick, telling two colleagues before she left that she felt nauseous, dizzy and drowsy.

The boy is charged with poison of food with the intent to injure.

Wow, as if teachers in the USA didn’t have enough to worry about already.

Watch Out for Counterfeit Hubcaps

Police in Quebec City have seized more than 3,000 counterfeit hubcaps.

The RCMP announced Wednesday officers searched an auto parts business and two warehouses to find the fake hubcaps, which had well-known trademarks on them such as Cadillac, Audi, BMW, Volkswagen and GM.

Four men were arrested and charges are pending, police said.

Wow, there really is a counterfeiter for everything!

Pay for Booze with an IOU

An Alberta woman who police say is under a court order not to consume alcohol allegedly ordered alcohol and other items from a delivery service and gave the deliveryman an IOU instead of money.

Police in Camrose say a 47-year-old woman placed her order Tuesday night. When the deliveryman arrived, the woman took her items inside and closed the door, police said. After the deliveryman knocked several times, the woman returned and handed him a written note that said she’d pay later, police said.

The driver went to the police station to report it and during their investigation, officers discovered the woman is under a court order to not possess, purchase or consume alcohol.

Police are investigating.

Only in the Great White North, eh?

Glue Gun Assault

Police in St. John’s expect to lay charges in a workplace confrontation that involved an unusual weapon: a glue gun.

The Royal Newfoundland Constabulary said an employee of Hearn Distributing is believed to have struck a truck driver on May 12 with a piece of metal. The driver was visiting the premises of the Mount Pearl beer-distributing company.

The truck driver then confronted the employee, who in turn responded with a glue gun.

Many CBCNews.ca community members who read the unusual story offered some cheeky quips.

“Stick em up!” wrote holyroodstudios.

Commenter Jasonf6 said it was a good thing the police were called. “It could have turned into a sticky situation.”

berdan riffed on the debate about Canada’s long-gun registry.

“Of course if this glue gun had been properly registered, then this never would have happened.”

“Obviously a case of male bonding!” joked Sentient Human.

Pumpkin eater channeled classic cop TV show Hawaii Five-O. “Scrap-book him, Danno.”

Only in Canada, eh?

Kids Wants Longer Jail Term to Hang with Stepdad

I smell a lifer here.  A teen criminal asked to be sentenced to more than the six months recommended by his lawyer and the crown so he could spend extra time with his cellmate – his stepfather.

The defence lawyer for Justin Beynen, 18, and an assistant Crown attorney were asking a Sudbury judge Thursday for a six-month term for a string of convictions.

But Beynen wanted more time in jail so he could spend it with his cellmate and stepfather, Jason Hastings.

Beynen explained to Ontario Court Justice Normand Glaude he has nowhere to stay when he gets out of jail until Hastings is released in October.

Beynen was hoping for a nine-month sentence so they could stay remain cellmates.

Glaude said the courts are not a social agency, but sentenced the teen to the requested nine-month term after hearing the facts of the case.

Beynen pleaded guilty Thursday to two counts of breach of probation, dangerous driving, failing to stop for police, theft of a vehicle, possession of marijuana for the purpose of trafficking and driving without a licence.

Beynen was spotted by police April 4 driving at high speeds through a neighbourhood, hitting a no parking sign and three parked vehicles before finally stopping, assistant Crown attorney Len Walker said.

Police found 17 grams of marijuana, a knife and six cans of beer inside the vehicle, which had been stolen, Walker said.

Beynen was on a probation at the time and prohibited from having knives. He also didn’t have a driver’s licence and wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, Walker said.

The other breach of probation charge was for repeatedly missing appointments with his probation officer during March, court heard.

Court was told Beynen’s mother is a drug addict and his biological father was shot and killed when Beynen was a child. Beynen has been in custody since his April 4 arrest and sharing a cell with his stepfather.